My Drive

Lately I have been striving to find the line that separates being "productively critical" of my photography and just too hard on myself.  Everyday I strive to make the quality of my photography better, both creatively and technically.  Since I am still very much an amateur I have a lot that I'm still learning.  So when I see the flaws in my images and can't figure out how to fix them, I feel like a failure.  The flaws, which most people don't even notice, scream out at me and ruin photographs for me.  I know that my fellow photographers see my work and see the same flaws I do, and then some.  Knowing how critical the photography community can be of amateurs adds even more anxiety and feelings of being a failure.  Which is why I spend hours researching the areas that I am weakest, shooting "haystacks", and gathering all the knowledge I can so that I will be able to one day leave my amateur status behind, and be capable of producing images that meet high standards.  I am more anxious than ever to return to RCC to continue my education in photography.  In my time away my thirst for knowledge has increased drastically and my work ethic is stronger than it has ever been before.  When I return in the spring, I am returning with a new found focus on perfecting my craft and a determination to succeed.  I have come a long way and I still have a long way to go.  I don't apologize for my shortcomings because I know that they will one day be my strengths.  I'm no longer passively soaking in whatever knowledge someone passes along to me... I am actively seeking out ways to improve.

So, I guess that I'm not being too hard on myself in the grand scheme of things because being critical is what is giving me drive.  It is my own personal drive that has resulted in the improvements I have made over the past few months, and I hope to carry that drive with me throughout the rest of my photographic life.

Valentine's Day

So Ryan and I switched things up a bit for Valentine's Day, and instead of having him plan everything like men usually do, we went for a good new fashions role reversal! I planned everything and we had quite a lovely evening! I got out of school pretty early today, which left me plenty of prep time (with lots of help from Natalie!). Then off Ryan and I went to Raleigh! Since Ryan loves cooking I decided to surprise him by taking him to Penzeys Spices and told him he could get anything he wanted. My treat! He was totally surprised and wanted to buy everything in the store, so I sadly had to limit him. This store is amazing though! They have all sorts of spices and herbs and peppers... and you get to test sniff anything you want. They also have an amazing selection of extracts and cocoas. Everything is pretty reasonably priced too! Much better quality than anything you will find at Walmart! I bought him cinnamon chunks, rogan josh seasoning, barbecue of the america's (some sort of seasoning), balti seasoning, penzy's cinnamon, Chinese five spice, and 4 bags of peppermint, plus some basil for me, all for a total of $29.46! I highly recommend this place for anyone who loves cooking. I cannot wait for Ryan to start cooking meals for me with the things he got. I know that he plans on making some curry, but I will post updates and photos of the meals that he makes with these things! I also know that he plans on using the cinnamon chunks in the hot chocolate that he makes!

After our little shopping trip, we went to Olive Garden, because Ryan had never been there before. Since we were in Raleigh on Valentine's day I had to drop him off at the door and park about 3 lots down from Olive Garden, and there was an hour long wait... but it was totally worth it! We then went to toys r us and party city, just to walk around and browse. He got me this super expensive and fancy candy necklace. It was a whole 99 cent! :) He also got some balloons and he is going to make me a rose balloon. I will upload a photo of that if I can.

To round off our evening we took the longer way home and stopped by my parents house to see them. It was great to see good ol' ma and pa! Even if it was just for a little while. It was also good to see my kitten Rori that they are keeping for me while I find another place to live. My mom has totally spoiled him while he has been there. She has gotten him thousands of toys to play with! But that's ok. He is an awesome cat and deserves it.

Well, I have class early tomorrow morning, so it's lights out!

Photography School...

Photography school is quite the time sucker.... but pretty much fantastic in every way possible. I have never felt so at home while at school. My first semester was extremely hard, but I learned so much! There is so much to photography that I have never even thought about before. It has changed the way I see everything. We are still working in film, but we will be starting digital in a few months. I'm not in a rush to get out of film though because it has taught me so much. It's so fun to work with film! Right now we are learning lots and lots about lighting, which has also changed the way I see everything! But in a good way!

Speaking of change... I am engaged now! To a fantastic guy named Ryan. On Christmas Eve he took me on a walk to this stone bridge near his house, we were exchanging presents and he gave me his present last... it was a giant box that felt really light... So I opened it and there was a really sweet note inside, and at the bottom it said "look up" and he was sitting there with a ring!!! My perfect man, with my perfect ring! Seriously, I think that he read my mind to find out my dream ring. We don't have a date set for the wedding yet, but we are working on it! I do have my dress that I got from the amazing Bridal Mart! I was really surprised that I found a dress so quickly, but I fell in love with about the 5th dress I tried on and I didn't want to ever take it off. When I went to try it on again I wanted to wear it out of the store. More on the wedding planning as it happens!

Well... I should be writing more... but...

"The Writer"

This month has not been an easy one, and it doesn't seem to be getting much better. It has just been one negative thought after the other and I'm not sure how to change that. I thought I would be happy once school started, but the stresses of having to pay for gas is getting to me. My sister is at school now, so I'm going to really be missing her by this time next week, but I'm really proud of her and I'm happy that she is going to college and doing track. Aside from the negative thoughts there are other things bothering me too... the biggest one is best conveyed by a song by Ellie Goulding, called "The Writer". So here are the lyrics:

You wait for a silence, I wait for a word
Lie next to your frame, girl unobserved.
You change your position and you are changing me.
Casting these shadows where they shouldn't be.

We're interrupted by the heat of the sun
Trying to prevent what's already begun.
You're just a body, I can smell your skin
And when I feel it, you're wearing thin.

But I've got a plan
Why don't you be the artist
And make me out of clay
Why don't you be the writer
And decide the words I say

'Cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask
Won't you try to help me

Sat on your sofa, it's all broken springs
This isn't the place for those violin strings
I try out a smile and I aim it at you
You must have missed it, you always do.

But I've got a plan
Why don't you be the artist
And make me out of clay.
Why don't you be the writer
And decide the words I say

'Cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there in the end.
Only it's too hard to ask
Won't you try to help me

You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted.
You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted.
You wait, I wait, casting shadows

Why don't you be the artist
And make me out of clay
Why don't you be the writer
And decide the words I say

'Cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there in the end
Only it's too hard to ask
Wont you try to help me

"The Writer", By Ellie Goulding

One Blue Wall

Last night I patched up all the holes in my walls from things like push pins and where the paint was chipped. I also found a massive crack in the dry wall (Doctor Who flashback? Yes.) which I also fixed. I also pried off all my socket/outlet covers, and the vent in my wall.. then I taped over the outlets (how exciting!) Today I finished the first coat of primer on one of my blue walls! Recently I was talking to a friend of mine about painting and how I was excited to paint my room. She said that she had painted her apartment not long ago, and they were really excited for about the first 5 minutes, but then they remembered that painting is a big pain in the butt. I'm experiencing that right now actually (hence this blog post). For the first 5 minutes I was all "Yes! I'm painting! Getting things done! This will look awesome!" But that turned into "Am I doing this right? If I get paint on the carpet dad will kill me! Why does it look so uneven? I'm bored of this already." I also realized quite quickly that the "dust" from sanding down the places in the wall that I had to patch up needs to be vacuumed up before the painting begins, and that you should probably not put the drop cloth down before you sand because the vacuum will suck it up. Not one of my better moments. Since I broke our regular vacuum cleaner I had to use the one that use to vacuum our cars. Anyways, I realize this is incredibly boring. I'm kind of boring myself just writing it. I have also had to realize that my goal of having my room completed before school starts is completely unrealistic.

School starts Monday!!!!! I can't wait! I have the feeling it's going to be boring for the first semester, because learning the fundamentals of something tends to be the most important yet most boring part of learning it. I'm not sure that we will even need a camera for the first semester. Other than things like that I don't really know what to expect. I don't know how big the classes will be, what type of people I will meet there, what the teachers are like, and so on. My sister starts school and moves into her dorm in a few weeks, and I am really going to miss her. It's going to be really hard to be here without her, but I'm very proud of all that she has accomplished and I know she is going to do amazing in college.

Fly, fly, fly...

Ok, so I'm really ready for school to start on Monday. I think it will be really refreshing to be able to be around new people. I'm not trying to say that the people I'm around now are dreadful, but I'm just ready for a change. The situations with some of my friends right now are either drama-filled, unhealthy, or awkward. This isn't something that really surprises me though... it's just how life works. Not all friendships last, and I think I know which one of mine has to go. When one friendship starts to negatively effect all other aspects of your life, that's when it's time to take a step back and decide if the positives of the friendship are really worth all the damage it's causing.

When it comes to making hard decisions I've always taken the Scarlet O'hara approach. The "I wont think about that right now.. I 'll think about it tomorrow". Sometimes that has been necessary, but a lot of times all it does is set me back. I hope I can change, and be strong.

Updates

So my room is, for the most part, cleared out. Not much to say on that, so onto other things.

I have fallen madly in love with the show Doctor Who. I cannot wait for it to start back up again. I don't really have anything else to say about that right now.

I stayed up all night once this week and on the third day I was able to successfully create my Pottermore account! Go me!

I went to the beach this past weekend. It was what it was. Here

are some photos. My friends are gorgeous. Be jealous.